Monday, March 09, 2009

7 Ways to Help Kids Cope with the Upset of Divorce

Seven ways to help kids cope with the upset of a divorce:

1. Encourage honesty. Kids need to know that their feelings are important to their parents and that they'll be taken seriously.
2 Help your child put their feelings into words. Children's behavior can often clue you in to their feelings of sadness or anger. Let them voice their emotions and help them to label them, without trying to change their emotions or explain them away. You might say: "It seems as if you're feeling sad right now. Do you know what's making you feel so sad?" Be a good listener when they respond, even if it's difficult for you to hear what they have to say. Encourage them to draw a picture about their feelings or write a story. It may help clue you in to their true emotions.
3 Legitimize their feelings. Saying "I know you feel sad now" or "I know you miss Daddy" lets kids know that their feelings are valid. It's important to encourage kids to get it all out before you start offering ways to make it better.
4 Offer support. Ask, "What do you think will help you feel better?" They might not be able to name something, but you can suggest a few ideas — maybe just to sit together for a while, take a walk, or hold a favorite stuffed animal. Younger kids might especially appreciate an offer to call Daddy on the phone or to make a picture to give to mommy when she comes at the end of the day.
5 Keep yourself healthy. For many adults, separation and divorce is one of the most stressful life events they ever go through. That pressure may be amplified by custody and financial issues, which can bring out the worst in people. Finding ways to manage your own stress is essential for you and your entire family. Keeping yourself as physically and emotionally healthy as possible can help combat the effects of stress, and by making sure you're taking care of your own needs, you can ensure that you'll be in the best possible shape to take care of your family.
6 Keep the details in check. Take care to ensure privacy when discussing the details of the divorce with friends, family, or your lawyer. Remember that children often are listening when you are on the phone. Try to keep your interactions with your ex as civil as possible, especially when you're interacting in front of the kids. Take the high road — don't resort to blaming or name-calling within earshot of your children, no matter what the circumstances of the separation. This is especially important in an "at fault" divorce where there have been especially hurtful events, like infidelity.
7 Get help. This is not the time to go it alone. Find a support group, talk to others who have gone through this, use online resources, or ask your doctor to refer you to other resources. Getting help yourself sets a good example for your kids on how to make a healthy adjustment to this major change. Help from a counselor, therapist, or friend will also maintain healthy boundaries with your kids. It's very important not to lean on your kids for support.

Consistency and routine can go a long way toward providing comfort and familiarity that can help your family during this major life change. When possible, minimize unpredictable schedules, transitions, or abrupt separations.

Divorce is a major crisis for a family. But if you and your former spouse can work together and maintain a civil relationship for the benefit of your children, the original family unit can continue to be a source of strength, even if step families enter the picture.
[More Info]